ADAM FINK SUPERSTAR DRIVE THROUGH TALK THERAPY
All The Freaks
(Carmen’s Kiosk)
A handsome middle aged couple approaches the kiosk with some trepidation.
A scantily clad Latin woman steps up to the window. “Welcome to Adam FINK’s walk through talk therapy, how may I help you?”
The man scratches his head for a moment before beginning. Like most patrons of Carmen’s kiosk, he has a difficult time retrieving his eyes from her cleavage.
Mission accomplished; “Hi there…uh, my wife and I could use a bit of advice…”
“Our kids walked in on us,” clarifies his wife.
“Oh…I see,” begins Carmen, “that’s actually a common occurrence these days. How old are your kids by the way?”
“We have two,” begins the wife, “both boys, our youngest is seven and his brother is nine.”
“They are mature though,” interjects the man, “sorta like miniature teenagers.”
“Well you know, in that brief flash,” continues Carmen, “they probably barely saw a thing…may not have even known what was happening.”
“Yeah…” the man replies, “they may have been there longer than…uh…a brief flash, as you say.”
“Corey made himself toast…he was half way done when we saw him,” ads the wife.
“Well that is a bit longer than the usual…uh…encounters I hear about.”
Thoroughly embarrassed, the husband continues, “This wasn’t the first time actually.”
“I see,” replies Carmen, “ever think about a lock?”
This time his wife takes over, “Yeah…kinda hard to put locks on the kitchen doors…”
“The kitchen? Your kids were at home?”
“Of course…it was a professional development day for the kid’s teachers so they were at home for the day.”
“You really should think about the lock idea.”
“I have to say,” continues the wife, “at least this time the family pet wasn’t involved.”
“A pet? Oh I get it, pet as in a euphemism for…”
“No no,” interrupts the husband, “she means a pet; our dog, Fido.”
“Yeah,” interjects his wife, “it was a lot worse last time. Our poor dog, he never did recover from that incident. Every time my husband walked into the room Fido tucked his tail between his legs and ran for the corner where he let loose his bladder. We had to give him up for adoption. The kids were heartbroken.”
“Wow…uh…I’m not a cop or anything but I’m not sure you should be telling me this…”
“Oh come on,” the wife began, “it’s not like nobody else does it…happens all the time.”
“Yeah…I’m gonna say it doesn’t happen as much as you may think…”
“We’re just concerned that our kids may come out of this with a twisted view about something that is totally normal…”
“Yeah, I think that twisted view they may have, that is the totally normal thing here.”
“Miss I know that most experts say you should take it to the bedroom, never in front of the kids, but we were actually thinking it would be better to do it in front of them.”
“Excuse me?”
“Well sure,” the husband continues, “we think it would foster a healthy attitude towards…”
“Healthy?” asks Carmen, on the verge of losing her lunch. “You think…”
“Sure, they need to know all married couples do it, and if they are allowed to watch us we think they would see that it is perfectly normal occurrence and one day when they have kids of their own they will be normal well adjusted adults.”
“Huh?”
“We were even thinking of videotaping it the next time so we can sit down together as a family and watch it and talk about it afterwards. What do you think Carmen, you haven’t said much since we started talking?”
“I have to admit this is a first for me, and while I don’t have children yet I do have a boyfriend who has a four year old daughter and I can say this with all certainty, while I am a fan of taping ourselves I will never show his daughter. And, I think I can speak for him here, I am sure he does not want her watching us having sex, whatever her age may be.”
“Huh? Now it was their turn to be shocked. “Grrrooossss…”
“What? Weren’t you just telling me you’re gonna start having sex in front of your kids?”
“What?” exclaimed the couple in unison, “who’s talking about sex? We’re talking about arguing. We had this huge blowout argument in front of the kids last week…”
“Hah, silly me…by all means have your argument in front of them, just don’t do the sex thing…”
“Uh…yeah…I think we’ll be going now.”
“Thanks for coming by.”
Carmen’s next client is a boy, maybe five and a half feet tall and maybe fourteen years old.
“Hello there youngster, are you lost?” she asks.
“No ma’am, I’m here for your services.”
“Really?” She points to a sign posted in front of him. I’m sorry honey, but you have to be eighteen years old at least to talk to me.”
“Oh I’m eighteen ma’am.”
“Really? When were you born?”
“Eighteen years ago.”
“Of course you were. Could you do me a favor mister?”
“Jimmy. Jimmy Vance.”
“Well Mr. Vance, could you look at my face at least once while we are talking?”
“Huh…oh of course.”
“I don’t suppose you happened to hear the couple that was just in front of you?”
“Oh yeah, great stuff.” He holds up a cell phone. “Got it all right here.”
“Hey you can’t do that. This is supposed to be private therapy here.”
“Yeah? If they wanted private don’t you think they wouldda like gone to an office or something?”
“Well you still can’t record it. That’s against the law.”
“Are you gonna arrest me then?”
“I’m not a cop sweetie.”
“Whew…cool”
“That’s a pretty cool phone you got there, can I see it?”
“Sure,” Jimmy replies as he hands her his cell phone.
“Thanks.” Carmen immediately starts pressing buttons.
“Hey what are you doing?”
“Keeping you out of trouble, that’s what I’m doing. I just erased your video.”
“Hey you can’t do that, it’s private.”
“Oops, my bad.”
“It’s okay, I already emailed it to my best friend, I can get a copy from him.”
“You little shit, I mean punk. You little punk, you’re gonna get me in trouble too.”
“Ah don’t worry; I didn’t get your face in it.”
“Of course not.”
“Yeah I just got your boobs.”
“Little shit…”
“Don’t ya wanna know why I’m here?”
“You mean you actually are here for something else other than my boobs? So what brings you to my booth young man?”
“Your boobs mostly…but I do got a problem though.”
“You’re a teenager, of course you do. So what’s on your mind, other than the obvious?”
“Have you ever heard of someone being too big?”
“Too big? I hardly think that’s a problem for you, your what, five and a half feet; maybe?”
“I didn’t say too tall…I said too big.”
“I don’t get it…”
“Well it’s kinda embarrassing…all my girlfriends complain that I’m just too big for…”
“Alright, were done here, I think you’d better go find your mommy and daddy now. I’ve got a long line of real customers waiting behind you.”
“Aw man…”
“Have a nice day sweetie.”
“Yeah whatever…”
Carmen’s next client steps up to her window. “Kids these days,” he remarks behind his dark shades.
She barely looks down at her second ‘child’ for the day, “Next.”
“Damn,” he swears as he stomps away.
“Why do I get all the freaks?” she asks herself as the next person steps up to her window. “Hi there Sir, what brings you here today?”
“Well…I’m told I have trouble with boundaries.”
“Why, were you caught trespassing?”
“No”
“You weren’t caught but you’re afraid you may be the next time…”
“Not exactly…” he replies as he reaches out and brushes an invisible piece of lint off of Carmen’s right breast.”
“I think I see the problem.”
“Oh…how could you, I haven’t told you anything yet,” he counters as he leans into her window to get an up close and personal look into her cleavage.
“No I get it,” she replies as she pulls his head up by his ears and cringes as a drop of saliva finds its way down into her lacey bodice.
“Here, let me get that for you,” he offers reaching out with a napkin.
“No it’s okay,” Carmen replies stepping back.
“So, don’t you want to know what my problem is?”
“Enlighten me,” she replies drably.
“It’s my boss who recommended I see a therapist.”
“Let me guess, your boss is a hot looking lady.”
“Wow, you’re good. She’s blond, single, and very much available.”
“Of course she is. I just told you she’s single.”
“That doesn’t mean she’s available. Maybe she just got out of a relationship and doesn’t want to rush into another one. When a relationship ends both parties go through a grieving process, much like one would with the death of a loved one. We usually recommend a person remain single for a year before getting involved again.”
“Yeah save your psychobabble for someone who wants it.”
“But…I’m a therapist, and you came to me…”
“Oh…yeah I guess I did, didn’t I? Okay, babble away.”
“So anyway…she called me into her office the other day, for no reason, and I came in gave her a couple charley horses…”
“Wait,” Carmen interrupts, “You gave her a charley horse?”
“Yeah, you know, just a playful punch or two on the arms…you know, the whole, no means yes kinda thing…”
“Whoah cowboy, no does mean no. This isn’t the first grade where little boys will punch girls they like cause they don’t know any other way to show affection or signs they like the girl.”
“Uh…”
“How old are you anyway? You don’t have that reverse aging disease thing do you? You know, like where you are really eight but look forty and you get younger looking as you age…”
“Oh no, I’m thirty-two.”
“And NO means NO,” she replies firmly.
“Are you shitting me?” he asks playfully punching her on the bicep.
“Ow…YES NO MEANS NO, an you gotta stop hitting me. Or anyone else for that matter,” Carmen replies rubbing her right arm.
“Wow…that means I gotta rethink a lotta things then.”
“You think?”
“I’m sorry,” he replies, reaching out to rub her sore arm.
“No touchy, no touchy,” she replies, stepping back from the window. “Touch me again an you’re gonna have to leave…And I’ll call the police.”
“Okay okay, I think I can keep my hands to myself.”
“You think?”
“I can I can.”
“So…what has your boss said about this problem?”
“Well…I’m kinda pissed at her too. She cost me a lot of money last month.”
“Oh…did she make you take some days off, unpaid?”
“Oh no, nothing that trivial. The way I see it is she owes me two grand that I spent on her half of our trip to Jamaica.”
“She was gonna go to Jamaica with you?”
“Well yeah, I mean I asked her to go with me and she said no…so in good faith I bought our plane tickets and hotel room…”
“Just a second…she said no to the romantic getaway, but you bought the tickets anyway?”
“Well yeah…I mean no means yes so…”
“Okay, you gotta get that one out of your head. No means NO.”
“So you say…”
“So everybody says. Let me ask you, if she would have said yes, would you not have bought the tickets?”
“Of course I would have bought them. Everybody knows yes means yes; I mean come on.”
“So by your logic then, there is nothing she could have said that would have prevented you from buying those tickets for her then. Am I right?”
“Well yeah, that’s the beauty of it all…”
“Wow, you really do need help.”
“That’s why I’m here.”
“Okay look, you’re gonna need more than the five minutes of therapy I can provide here, so here is my business card. If you wish to continue your therapy, and you should, call this number and we will arrange office visits for you.”
“Wow thanks,” he replies as he starts to punch her on the arm again.
“Oh no you don’t,” Carmen replies, stepping back.
“Oh yeah, sorry.” He takes her card. “I guess I will see you later then Carmen.”
“Yep. Have a nice day.”
“Later…”