IT’S ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILIDELPHIA
TEASER
Gang gets community service
INT– IN PADDYS – DAY 10:00AM
Mack and Dennis by cash register talking about a late breakfast
Mack
Dude, you hungry? ‘Cause I’m really hungry.
dennis
I could do lunch, brunch, bunch, whatever, I’m hungry.
Mack opens the cash register and finds it empty.
mack
Oh dude, we got a problem. Look.
dennis
(looks in register)
We’ve been robbed.
mack
No moron, we have not been robbed.
dennis
Then where’s all the dough?
mack
This is it. Two dollars and fifty-seven cents. It’s all here.
dennis
Yup. We got a problem here.
mack
Yeah…money is kinda important. So whatta we gonna do?
dennis
I don’t know.
mack
(grabs a couple beers and hands one to dennis)
Well, for starters we get rip roaring drunk. That always helps me think.
DENNIS
So whatta we do now?
MACK
I don’t know…get a day job I guess…
DENNIS
In this economy? What can we do?
MACK
I don’t know about you but I already got a…uh…built in job, so to speak.
DENNIS
And that would be?
MACK
Look at me.
(Poses for Dennis like a tough guy)
What do you see?
DENNIS
Uh…a gay male prostitute?
MACK
No you moron, a bouncer. Look at me. I could get a job anywhere with this body.
DENNIS
Yeah, as a gay male prostitute.
MACK
Shut up you faggot. I should kick your ass right here, just to show you.
DENNIS
Yeah you stay away from my ass with that pose.
(MACK)
I am not a gay hooker.
(reconsiders)
Although I could be one. Yeah, I can see that.
DENNIS
Dude, you could not be a hooker.
MACK
Oh, I so could be. Look at me, what do you see?
DENNIS
Desperation, and it’s not pretty.
MACK
(strikes another pose)
Guys would totally dig me. Look at you, you even dig me.
DENNIS
I do not dig you. And besides your beefcake bear look is so yesterday. Guys are into the smooth, twink look.
(strikes a pose and unbuttons his shirt to expose his bare chest)
Deandra enters the bar while the guys are deep into their posing.
DEE
I’m not sure I wanna know, but I gotta ask. What are you guys doing?
MACK
We’re just trying to see which one of us would make a better gay prostitute.
DEE
Should I even ask why?
DENNIS
(Open register for Dee to see)
Just trying to figure out a way to earn some more money.
DEE
Well that’s a relief. For a second there I thought you were gonna do something stupid.
MACK
Well clearly we gotta do something
DEE
(strikes a pose)
You guys are definatley not the ones to do something about it. Me on the other hand…
MACK
Yeah…I’m not really feeling it. DENNIS?
DENNIS
Uh…really don’t think I’m qualified…
MACK
Oh come, your a young virul man, she’s a…a…girl I suppose…
DENNIS
You know, this is getting a little wierd, even for me.
DEE
Oh come on DENNIS don’t be such a prude…look at this body.
DENNIS
Yeah…I think I’m gonna take a pass on the visual.
MACK
Yeah DEE, your gonna make me switch teams in a minute here.
DEE
Oh shit!
MACK
Hey I’m kidding.
DEE
No, shit, I forgot I’m parked in the fire lane.